


Everything I Am Not

by clk_boom



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Depression, Fluff and Angst, Guilt, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-07
Updated: 2013-03-07
Packaged: 2017-12-04 13:31:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/711290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clk_boom/pseuds/clk_boom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They'll avoid the cracks in your heart like old cement and only then, when you're too broken for public sight, will they try to fix you. Do not let them fix me.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Everything I Am Not

_Sora is **beautiful**._

_Sora is **light**._

_Sora is **everything**._

_  
_Riku sighs and pets the brunet's hair. He's asleep, but then again, when is he not? He almost chuckles to himself, however he's too drawn into the dark recesses of his own mind and memories to even consciously acknowlege it. He's done so much wrong, let so much dark into his heart. It feels like it's crumbling with dissipating saturation, like the cement left behind after the water's evaporated and left it dry and everyone knows that no one's going to pay attention to it ever again. They'll walk all over it, they'll avoid the cracks left by the ice and winter until it's too ugly to ignore.

Then they'll try to fix it.

Just like they're trying to fix Riku. Riku's  _broken_ , Riku is  _bad,_  Riku is so fucking  _impure_. And he knows it. He knows he is broken, and he's accepted it, just like he's accepted that Sora is all that he never could be, and yet the hero is still in love with the once-villain. So painful is it that he knows this in his heart that sometimes he thinks he should tell him to stop doing that, to stop loving him, to stop trying to coddle and cuddle and stop trying to heal him with that smile and that ocean in his eyes.

And he'd love to swim in it.

Because the water is home. The water is summer with Sora and Kairi at age 14, the water is the sand particles stuck in his hair and under Riku's arms and in the waistband of his swim trunks at age 15. The water is suffocating like the Lanes Between and the Dark Corridors at age 16. The water is drowning in the flow of dark and demons and his own mix of blindness and sight.

_You're the one who created it_

says a little voice in the back of his head. Yes,  _he_ created it. It was all brought upon himself because instead of facing his problems like an adult, like the man he thought he wouldn't grow to be, he ran away. Farther into the darkness, he just fucking turned and ran like a fool. Running blind in the dark, hoping that he wouldn't stumble into that one person he wanted to see most. How did he ever think he could avoid it?

But he's lying next to him now.

His treasure, the one thing he ever wanted out of this. He once laughed hysterically out of nowhere when he had glanced over at Sora because it was  _hilarious_  how he'd been so blind before he lost his sight. He hadn't wanted power. He wanted the ability to protect Sora and Kairi. He hadn't wanted to be a ruler. He'd wanted to be  _seen_  by Sora, get his attention.

It was hilarious because he had all of that all along.

And Sora chased him down everywhere he went because he wanted to protect Kairi so badly, he hurt her. And he wanted Sora to see him so badly, he ran away just to test how far he'd run. And then he wanted them to forget him. He wanted to become a part of the darkness that would shield Sora, that would watch over Kairi. He wanted to be able to know that Sora felt his embrace wherever he was, because it was dark. Everywhere was dark. And that they were from two different worlds on the very same planet. Riku's was full of heavy sand and deep waters; Sora's was full of a warm coastline and rolling waves. It was hilarious because all Sora ever wanted was Riku.

And he's lying next to him now.

Riku thinks, just for a moment, that maybe all the wrong he's done, maybe without it, just please, please  _maybe_... Maybe without all of it, without every little detail of everyone's actions –- even his own -- none of this would have gone right. Their world would have just been swallowed and they'd be stranded together in a dead-end little life in Traverse Town and a Keyblade. If that.

But then he stops and sighs at how ridiculous that all is.

They would be so much better off without him. He thinks of slipping out of bed, padding down the hallway, locking the bathroom door, disappearing for good, but Sora's pinning him down with a light arm draped over his stomach. It feels like a thousand pounds, a thousand saving pounds. He'll hold onto him because everyone else will walk all over his heart.  _They'll avoid the cracks in your heart like old cement and only then, when you're too broken for public sight, will they try to fix you._

It's that voice again, and just this once, this one time, he answers.

_Do **not**  let them fix me._


End file.
